A few weeks ago I had a very, very depressing week. Philip was coming home from work and going straight to the bedroom and completely ignoring the family. Philip had absolutely no interaction with the family. I would walk by the bedroom and the door was always closed. I didn't even want to be in this house. I tried to go on like normal. The girls never questioned Philips behavior so I never talked about it with them. I wasn't eating, I deeply missed being with my Mom and Dad, and didn't have energy or the motivation to do much of anything around this house. On Wednesday morning I was going back and forth in my mind of weather or not I should or wanted to go to bible study. I had not read the chapter or done my homework. My group was designated to bring an Italian dish and I had not prepared one. My friend called me and asked if I would take her daughter to bible study and drop her off in the nursery. I agreed and that meant I would have to go now to the study. I stopped at the shopett and bought donuts to share with the group (that had nothing to do with an Italian dish) I went to my study and I usually participate and give my opinions and or thoughts about what we studied the week before. This time I was just quiet and didn't feel like participating. I just listened to the other women comments. After the study had ended my group facilitator came up to me and asked if everything was okay. I wanted to burst out in tears when she asked me that question. I felt a HUGE lump in my throat. I tried my hardest to put a smile on my face and say with a clear non-shaken voice, "My husband just needs lots of prayer. I put my prayer request in the Prayer Request Book". I had succeeded. I didn't want to break down in front of her a cry. I didn't want her to know how emotionally drained and hurt I was. I picked up Moriah from the nursery and very slowly walked to my car. I knew Philip was home and still in bed asleep. I didn't want to be around him. I didn't want to be in my house. I just wanted 1pm to come along and was hoping he would go to work after the lunch hour. If I could just find things to do until 1pm then I would not have to see him or be around him. I took Moriah to eat at the food court. She began to get fussy and I knew she was tired, but I didn't want to go home yet. Just 1 more hour and it would be 1pm. I went to mail a box to my friend. It had been sitting in the car ready to be mailed for weeks. I then went to go check the mail at the CMR. While I was checking the mail I received a text message from Philip, "We have a marriage counseling appointment at 1pm." I thought, "He must have made this appointment because someone told him it was mandatory", "Maybe he is doing this just to get it in his medical record", "Why is he telling me 1 hour before the appointment". "When did he make this appointment"...Then I began to think, "I don't want to go to marriage counseling especially if it is mandatory for his records." Maybe I will just ignore his text, go home after 1pm and miss the appointment completely". I decided I would go, whatever the reason behind the appointment. I wanted Philip to hear AGAIN that his actions and lack thereof were hurting me, draining me, soaking up all my motivation, stressing me out. I had not communicated with him or he with me in days! I text Philip back and told him I would be home in 5 minutes. I was going to sit in the car and wait with Moriah until he came out to the car. I didn't want to be in the house with him. Just being in the house depressed me. I was surprised when Philip came walking out of our building as I pulled into our parking spot. He got into the car and after a few seconds I asked him why we were going to marriage counseling. He replied with, "We need it". When we checked in and sat down with the counselor the first question he asked me was how was I feeling and I broke out in tears....
That evening Philip came home from work and sat down on the couch with me. He interacted with all 3 girls and I. That evening was wonderful! My spirit was lifted and I was hopeful. I was happy again.
It's been a few weeks since this and Philip is doing a lot better (I am too) He is eating dinner at the table with us every evening, washing dishes and/or giving Moriah a bath. This weekend we went to the Alps in Garmish, Germany. We had a wonderful weekend. Philip seemed so relaxed and calm. Because of this I was calm and relaxed as well. Over the last few weeks I think I need to work on myself and my attitude and my reactions. I need to have more patience and need to work on other traits in my personality. I think if I work on changing somethings within myself I will begin to see changes in Philip as well. It's so hard at times But with God's help I know it can be done.
