Sometimes It's Hard to Pray

It's Marriage Monday

Well this past week hasn't been so sweet in my marriage. Philip has taken a HUGE step backwards. I was so very proud of Philip for all he gave up once he came home from Iraq last November. He stopped drinking and smoking. Philip was a new man when he came home from Iraq. He was EVERYTHING I prayed so hard for. I was amazed at how God answered my prayers and it was so awesome to see the answer to my prayers walking around me, hugging me, talking and walking with me every day! I was on "cloud nine". I was bursting with happiness! I could not contain my happiness to just my household. I had to share with the world- or at least my extended family and friends. I wanted to shout from the mountain tops how proud I was of MY man! However since I'm in no shape to climb to the top of a mountain, and even if I did get to the top of the mountain no one would hear my proclamation of love for my "new" man. So I did the next best thing... I emailed EVERYONE, I called EVERYONE, I instant messaged EVERYONE, I talked to EVERYONE I crossed paths with while around my neighborhood!! I experienced amazing feelings while Philip was sober and smoke-free. It was an awesome feeling to witness his priorities. They were straight and narrow. He was happy, proud, full of joy, encouraging, supportive, loving and caring. He was a great communicator. He talked with me about everything!
Well while we were on our vacation Philip began taking steps backwards. He had a drink. when he said to me, "I am going to go get a drink", I felt like a HUGE sword just stabbed me in my stomach. I felt sick. I knew this drink would push the door WIDE OPEN!
And so it did. Philip is drinking again. It truly breaks my heart. It hurts to even type those words. Every time I see him bring a drink up to his lips it feels like he is drinking away our marriage, our kids happiness, my joy. When he drinks he is refilling his cup or opening another bottle of selfishness, hate, hurtfulness, carelessness, and lays one more brick to the wall in my heart.
I prayed, I supported, I encouraged, I comforted, I followed, I stood in his corner while the world around him was biting at his ankles, I forgave and for some months I reaped what I had prayed so hard for.
He stays out all night and the sun always beats him into my home. I lay in my bed all night not able to sleep. My mind goes and spins. I try to imagine God's whisper in my ear, "I LOVE YOU". I try to imagine God's whisper, "I AM HERE". I try to feel God's arms around me. The next day I try with all I have to put on a smile and hope the girls did not notice that he was not home the night before. I pray they did not hear his slurred speech and swearing. I hope they did not peer around the corner to see him stumble or fall.