Handing it over to God

This past week my friend asked me to babysit her baby. This was her last week in the Army and I knew this would be my last time watching Azaleagh. I have watched her before and she is so cute and adorable, a really good baby girl. One day this past week I had a Doctor's appointment and Philip met me there. He was entertaining Azaleagh and interacting with her a lot. Philip walked the baby and I to my car and he was just having a great time with her. I was just standing back and of course thoughts of what kind of father he would be if we had a baby together crossed my mind.

Since we were married (3 years and 4 months ago) we both decided to have a baby when Philip came back from the desert. However when he came back and we finally moved in together we both realized how money can go in many different directions. Philip started to get "cold feet" and didn't want to have a baby until we could financially afford another child. I would try so hard to convince him to have a baby, but he would never budge. So for a while I just gave up asking him, and I convinced myself that we couldn't really afford another baby, I didn't want to be pregnant again, and I enjoy my sleep. Well one day out of the clear blue Philip asked me (I remember the day, it was a Friday) if I wanted to start trying for a baby. He about knocked me off my feet with that question. I told hm I did. The next day I called my mom and was in a near panic. I told her, "we can't afford another baby, I don't think I can love a baby as much as I love my girls, I don't want to get fat, what if Philip shows more affection to his baby than to the girls, what if the girls recent me because I am with the baby's father and not their father..." on and on I went. My mom tried to encourage me. Well I went along with Philip and we did try, only 3 times and I was going crazy. I was nervous and REALLY scared. I went out and bought 4 pregnancy tests. Every time they came out negative. Finally I started my cycle. I was so relieved. Well after much thought I have just come to the conclusion, if the Lord wants Philip and I to have another baby it will happen. The Lord will be with each of us as we would all go through the changes of having a baby in our home. Maybe with all the moving we face in the next few months, the timing wasn't right to add another child to our family. I am going to hand all of this over to the Lord and I know His timing and His plan for our lives is perfect and this gives me peace!